Sixteen
Commonsense Listening Tips
By
Dr. Tony Alessandra
"The
reason you don't understand me, Edith, is because
I'm talkin' to you in English and you're listenin'
to me in dingbat!"? - Archie Bunker
Archie
was right about finding a common language or wavelength,
but it takes two to communicate-- the speaker and
the listener. Both need to make the effort to understand
each other. According to a French proverb, "The
spoken word belongs half to him that speaks and half
to him who hears."
All
skills require learned behaviors and rules.
The rules
for good listening involve basic courtesy, sorely
needed by Archie, and common sense. Some of the rules
may seem obvious, but it is amazing how many people
forget them and unintentionally insult the speaker.
Often,
without intending to be rude, your enthusiasm for
a subject and your own desire to hear yourself talk
cause you to forget courtesy. At other times you may
be so involved with your own point of view that you
forget to listen to what your client is saying; you
just plain stop listening!
So,
when conversing with another person,
be aware of and practice the following rules:
1.
Let others tell their own stories first.
When
others explain their situations, they may reveal
interesting facts and valuable clues that will aid
you in helping them solve their problems or satisfy
their needs. By letting them speak first, you also
save time. When their interests are revealed you
can tailor your discussion to their particular needs,
goals, and objectives and can dispense with inappropriate
conversation.
2.
It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time.
This
basic rule of effective listening is most often
broken, especially by Archie Bunker. People anxious
to add their own views to the conversation try to
interject comments while another person is speaking.
They wait for a pause in the conversation and "rapid
fire'' their comments at the other person. This
interjection of random comments is irritating to
the speaker and actually slows the conversation
because the initial speaker must dodge the comments
and still keep his train of thought. Why not wait
until the speaker's point is made? Then you will
have your chance.
An enormous
benefit of listening to your client is that he may
"sell himself." He may solve his own problems
or even come up with some product benefits that
hadn't occurred to you. In addition, encouraging
the client to talk keeps him from feeling pressured
into a sale. Building confidence and reducing tension
strengthen the trust bond between you and your client.
A client
who "sells himself" is likely to be more
fully committed and less likely to have "buyer's
remorse." He may become a staunch defender
of your product, be open-minded in future dealings,
and be more likely to listen to you.
3.
Listen for the main ideas.
Specific
facts are only important as they pertain to the
main theme. They can cause misinterpretation if
taken out of context. Relate stated facts to the
arguments of the speaker and weigh the verbal evidence
used. Take advantage of the superior speed of thought
over words and periodically review a portion of
the discussion that has already been completed.
A good
listener also tries to guess the points the speaker
will make. Ask yourself: "What is the speaker
getting at?" or "What is his point?"
Then get feedback. If you guess correctly, your
understanding is enhanced, and your attention is
increased. If you are incorrect, you learn from
your mistake.
4.
Be sensitive to your emotional deaf spots.
Deaf
spots are words that make your mind wander or go
off on a mental tangent. They set off a chain reaction
that produces a mental barrier in your mind, which
in turn inhibits the continued flow of the speaker's
message. Everyone is affected by certain words so
it is important to discover your own individual
stumbling blocks and analyze why these words have
such a profound effect on you.
5.
Fight off distractions.
Train
yourself to listen carefully to your customer's
words, despite such external distractions as a ringing
telephone, passersby, or other office noise. Localized
distractions, such as the idiosyncrasies of the
speaker, may also be irritating, but make a conscious
attempt to judge the content of the message -- not
the delivery.
Focus
your attention on the words, ideas, feelings, and
underlying intent. Through practice you can improve
your power of concentration, so that you can block
out external and internal distractions and attend
totally to the speaker.
6.
Do not trust to memory certain data that may be important.
Take
brief notes because listening ability is impaired
while you are writing. Remember -- you cannot effectively
do two things at the same time. Write notes in words
and phrases rather than complete thoughts. All you
need is something to jog your memory later in the
day, and then you can recall the complete content
of the message. Read your notes as soon as possible
to make sure you understand what you put down on
paper and always review them before subsequent contact
with your clients.
7.
React to the message, not the person.
Don't
allow your mental impression of the speaker to influence
your interpretation of his message. Good thoughts,
concepts, and arguments can come from some of your
least favorite people. George Jefferson planted
the seeds of many ideas in Archie's fertile imagination.
8.
Try to appreciate the emotion behind the words (vocal
and visual messages) more than the literal meaning
of the words.
Try
to ask yourself these questions when another person
is speaking:
a. What
are the other person's feelings?
b. What does he mean by what he is saying?
c. What is his point of view?
d. Why is he saying this?
e. What is implied by what he says?
9.
Use feedback.
Constantly
try to check your understanding of what you hear.
Do not only hear what you want to hear. In addition,
check to see if the other person wants to comment
or respond to what you have previously said. Archie
and Edith could have avoided many misunderstandings
by simply using feedback.
10.
Listen selectively.
Critical
messages may be hidden within the broader context
of a conversation. Listen in such a way that you
can separate the wheat from the chaff. Always ask
yourself: "What is he telling me that can help
me satisfy his needs, solve his problems, and accomplish
his goals?"
11.
Relax.
When
another person speaks, try to put him at ease by
creating a relaxed, accepting environment. Do not
give the speaker the impression that you want to
jump right in and speak. Give him a chance to speak
his mind.
12.
Try not to be critical, of the other person's point
of view.
Hold
your temper and your emotional feelings and try
to listen to truly understand. Be patient, Archie.
Allow the speaker plenty of time to fully finish
his train of thought. You might find that what you
were initially going to disagree with wasn't such
a bad idea after all. Keep an open mind. If you
give the other person half a chance to tell you
his views, you might find that you have learned
something.
13.
Listen attentively.
Face
the speaker with uncrossed arms and legs; lean slightly
forward. Establish gentle, intermittent eye contact.
Use affirmative head nods and appropriate facial
expressions when called for, but do not overdo it.
Occasionally respond to your customer with "uh
huh," "go on," or "yes,"
to demonstrate that you are listening.
14.
Create a positive listening environment.
Shoot
for a private atmosphere away from sources of distraction.
Make the effort to ensure that the environment is
conducive to effective listening.
15.
Ask questions.
Ask
open-ended questions to allow the speaker to express
his feelings and thoughts. A simple "yes"
or "no" is not enough. Use development
questions like "How can I help you?, or "Where
do we go from here?" to ask the speaker for
more details on specific subjects. Clarifying questions
seek information by restating the speaker's remarks.
These
techniques demonstrate that you're hearing correctly.
If you keep the other person talking, potential
ambiguities clear up. The effective use of questions
also allows you to contribute to the conversation.
16.
Be motivated to listen.
Without
the proper attitude all the foregoing suggestions
for effective listening are worthless. Try to keep
in mind that there is no such thing as an uninteresting
speaker, only disinterested listeners. Put out the
extra effort to try to listen.
Learning
to listen effectively pays off in stronger trust
bonds and increased sales. Others feel relieved
to find people who actively listen and try to understand
what they have to say about their problems and needs.
Once that occurs, the speaker generally reciprocates
by listening when it's the other person's turn to
speak. That leads to an open, honest information
exchange; the kind Edith Bunker was yearning for.
Isn't that what communication is all about? 
END
